A Writer’s Writer–by J. Michael Shell
Don’t write a story about a writer. Editors hate that shit.
“Yeah, well, editors are vicious idiots. I’m surprised they aren’t demanding submissions be printed on toilet paper so they can wipe their asses with them before they stuff them into our SASE’s.”
Oh, that’s great. That line’s definitely going to get this story into a top-notch venue.
“Fuck ‘em. I’ve actually corrected the grammar in their rejection letters. I don’t think some of them know how to use ‘spell check’.”
Fine. You can forget selling this one, but—just for kicks and giggles—what’s it about?
“It’s about a writer who’s pretty much lost it. He’s been rejected so many times he’s insulating his walls with ‘sorry’ and ‘alas’ and ‘not suitable for publication at this time.’ And he’s a good writer, too. He writes this really bizarre, Zen and alchemy sort of stuff.”
Maybe that’s his problem. Why doesn’t he write what he knows? Why doesn’t he write from experience?
“Because he refuses to plagiarize life. That’s his thing. He’s convinced that reality is a work of fiction—he refers to God as The Author.”
And I suppose God hates buy cialis soft online editors, too.
“Oh yeah! Big time! All editors go to hell where they’re roasted on pyres of flaming romance novels. Then they’re eaten by all the ridiculous, slobbering creatures that ever popped like pus sacks out of Steven King’s brain.”
You’re cytotec side effects insane.
“That’s the point! He’s completely lost it and he’s writing a story using everything he can think of that editors hate (like parenthetical asides). And, of course, he’s writing about a writer, which is what every writer wants to do (because they’re at their best writing what they know), but won’t because these prima donna gatekeepers have decided they don’t like it. Duh—ever heard of Gatsby? Most editors couldn’t write a grocery list if you gave them the Cliff Notes.”
Does the character say that?
“What?”
The part about the Cliff Notes.
“No, I think that was me. Anyway, he writes this story and it’s brilliant. It’s High Literature and seriously innovative.”
But what’s it about?
“I’m telling you, if you’ll shut the fuck up. So this story is brilliant, but he realizes it’s too damn good. They’re never going to get it. And then he has this epiphany, which is like a big realization.”
I know what an epiphany is!
“Sorry. Of course you do. Sometimes I mistake you for somebody else. Anyway, the epiphany is that all true artists are ahead of their time. That’s what makes them true artists. That’s why the really great ones die in the gutter.”
Like Poe.
“(Don’t get me started on Poe.) So he realizes that, being a true artist and ahead of his time, he’s never going to get this opus published. It’s just too far over their pointy little heads.”
The editors’ heads?
“Of course the editors’ heads, those fucking bastards! So he starts tearing out his walls to get to all those rejection notices he’s been using for insulation, and he goes through them to find out which magazine—which editor—has rejected him the greatest number of times.”
Which one is it?
“What the fuck difference does it make? It could be any of them—they’re all dicks. So he finds out who this asshole is that’s been steadily picking the heart out of his chest with a pair of tweezers, and he sends him this brilliant story that there’s no way in hell he’s going to accept.”
What’s the point? Why bother?
“Because—and this is where it gets good—he’s totally mad, I mean like deranged, and has decided that The Author…”
God?
“Right! And he’s decided that The Author has decreed that all rejection notices sent to him are actually death warrants signed by the condemned.”
So he kills the editor?
“Only if he gets the rejection notice.”
Well, buy online Ampicillin cheap Without Prescription does he or doesn’t he?
“How the hell should I know? I haven’t even sent the thing yet.”
J. Michael Shell is a writer’s writer. I was pleased to publish his story, and even more glad that by making this choice I avoided bodily harm.
I’d recognize that writer’s writing anywhere.
Ha! What a fun story — so glad I happened upon it!